Liu Shan answers letters
by Alphawave
Summary: The series that no one asked for, no one wanted that EVERYBODY will love to hate. Starring everyone's favourite love to hate character, Liu Shan. Join us as we explore the foolish, the crazy, and the downright weird letters that gets received by the man with the bench...or rapier if you prefer. Always accepting letters!


**Liu Shan answers letters**

 _The series that NO ONE asked for but you're getting it anyway. Just an FYI that future letters to Liu Shan WILL be featured but since this IS only the start, they're rightfully excluded.  
_

 _So yeah, send in letters through the reviews or private messaging or whatever and I'll answer them in the next chapter. I'll allow any character (in game or OC), any crazy letter, ANYTHING as you can see. GO CRAZY AND SEND ME LETTERS! I DARE YA! Make Liu Shan dread his entire existence._

 _...I'm horrible for wishing bad things happen to a character I love so much, aren't I. Oh well._

Dear Father,

Perhaps you could clarify something for me. I heard these rumours about mother being the 'man' of the relationship. Whatever could they mean? I mean, I know mother has her masculine traits but surely people know she is indeed female, right?

* * *

Dear Father,

On a similar subject to my previous letter, you might want to explain to me what a 'transvestite' is. People have recently begun calling me that but they never tell me its meaning. It's sad that people can still be so shy around me.

* * *

Dear Jiang Wei,

Lord Zhuge Liang insisted that I tell you this and I hate to break the bad news. We now have a new royal decree, Jiang Wei. Under no circumstances can you now touch Zhuge Liang's fan.

I must repeat for clarity, you cannot touch Zhuge Liang's fan. Not by accident, purpose, or anything. Touching the fan is now punishable by imprisonment and death. I am not joking, Jiang Wei. Zhuge Liang has still not recovered from last time's incident.

* * *

Dear Mother,

While I appreciate the sentiment, could you perhaps not grab Xingcai's breasts to 'size her up'? Not that I mind. But maybe you could do it without me in the room. Or maybe I should be there after all. Maybe I should do it instead of you, I-I don't know. I'm conflicted on how I should feel about you groping her. All I know is that she told me she did not like it. And also that I might have gotten a bit too 'excited'. But that's another issue entirely, just promise me you won't do something like this in the future again.

* * *

Dear Xingcai,

I may be a fool, Xingcai, but even I know what BDSM is. Now could you please tell people I'm not a masochist that likes being whipped? People have such a peculiar idea about what my sex life is like, heavens. Can't I just be on top for once?

* * *

Dear Xingcai,

I just realized what my previous letter implied and I DEFINITELY am on top, like, 80% of the time with my previous sexual encounters. Don't advertise that to people. I'd rather people didn't know the details of my personal life.

* * *

Dear Xingcai,

…about the previous sexual encounters, that was BEFORE I met you. Honestly! T-they were drunken encounters with women I hardly remember many details of. You must understand, don't you?

…Don't tell people I even HAD any previous sexual encounters before. Not the greatest look for an emperor to have had sex before marriage.

* * *

Dear Uncle Quan,

My father wants to kill you for inadvertently causing the deaths of his sworn brothers, my mother wants you gone from her life for good and my brother has already sworn vengeance on you for wrecking havoc on our kingdom.

So how have you been? Good, I hope, the springtime here is lovely in Wu.

* * *

Dear Sima Zhao,

I…I don't know what to feel about this letter you sent me. Sima Zhao, I am flattered but I am also **straight**. Are you not in a relationship with Wang Yuanji? It does not matter but I'm afraid I have to decline your 'proposition'. Or to put it in your words, no, I do not want to 'infiltrate' your 'kingdom'.

* * *

Dear Cao Pi,

I need to have a word with the photographer from that photo shoot. You got a cool doctor costume with nice spectacles and everything, a good pose, nice lighting, you had the whole works. So why is it I got a costume that looked like I failed to get the part of a Power Rangers minion? And my face! Makes me look like a serial rapist. No, this will not do. I will not pay until I get a redo.

While I'm at it, do you have any pointers for looking less, well, 'rape-y'? I'm not that great in front of a camera.


End file.
